How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not To
Reviews (139)
OUTSTANDING book
I have been struggling with my husband's infidelity for 18 months now. This is round #2. Round #1 was physical infidelity 25 years ago when he was away for many months for work. I only learned of it when I was diagnosed with STDs several months later. Even then initially he denied it and suggested I was the unfaithful one. Round #2 is emotional infideltiy with a woman he works with. He refused to believe there was an issue with this 'friendship'. Two counselors told him it was an inappropriate relationship. Rather than end it he stopped seeing both counselors. It ended only after he found out this woman was also pursuing another married man in the building. Once I discovered her texts and photos and asked her why she was contacting my spouse nights, holidays and weekends, she escalated to driving up and down our street, shining her headlights into my home at night, calling the house, and increasing the numbers of texts and photos she sent to my husband. She went as far as taking mail I've sent him (a federal crime, yes I've opened an investigation with the postal inspector). Her attempts to demean me and destabilize our relationship were nothing short of a serious emotional disorder. Of course, it isn't entirely her fault. My husband was thoroughly enjoying the attention he was receiving and reciprocating until he realized what he had gotten himself into. With the help of an outstanding counselor, I'm putting my life back together, piece by piece. I thought so highly of this book I wrote the author to thank her. Learning that how I dealt with round #1 was unhealthy for me and having the author explain there are two different types of healthy forgiveness was a godsend. I was struggling with forgiveness and thought it wouldn't be possible for me. I now know I can do it and feel at peace about it. There are some critical reviews for suggesting the other partner may have some responsibility. Early on in my healing I would have been upset to have been told that. There is some truth to it though. In most cases if you're willing to honestly look at yourself and your faults, you may realize you made room for someone else, maybe not intentionally, but it was there nonetheless. For everyone out there dealing with this, you have my sympathy and understanding. It's not an easy road. If you had asked me a year ago if I was going to make it I would have responded with "I don't know". Today the answer is ABSOLUTELY! I've read many books. How Can I Forgive You was one of the most helpful for me. You can recover from this and be happy. Trust me.
Best forgiveness book I have found
This is a fantastic book. I recently separated from my husband after he physically abused me. I am not sure if I want to stay married or get a divorce, but regardless, I don't want this incident to poison my life for years to come. In addition to the physical abuse, there has been a lot of verbal and emotional abuse going on in this relationship for years. This escalated more after the birth of my now 2 year old child. I have been trying to forgive my husband for the way he has been treating me for years now, but it hasn't worked. My mother sent me a book on forgiveness, and I couldn't get through five pages of it. I've read articles online, and I couldn't stomach them either. They just seem so empty - "forgive and forget" is the popular mantra. "It will make you feel so much better!" people claim. I probably have an overdeveloped sense of justice, but it makes me feel dirty forgiving people who have done horrible things when they have done nothing to put them right. I'm just not okay with that. What is described in this book feels so much more complete and realistic to me. I can learn to ACCEPT what others have done to me so that bad experiences do not poison my life. Spring says this is your best option when the person who wronged you will not (or is not capable of) making amends. This usually goes along with taking steps to protect yourself because this person will likely harm you again (i.e. In my case I could accept what my husband did, but still get a divorce.) I can practice TRUE FORGIVENESS with a person who is truly making an effort to make amends. This does not mean everything has to go back to the way it was before (i.e. I could choose to stay with my husband or choose to get a divorce.) but this is the best option if the other person is willing to put out the effort and if you would like to have some sort of healthy relationship with them. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who needs to forgive (in some way, shape or form) but who cannot stomach the typical self-help forgiveness books; I think this book will be much more palatable to most people.
Just part of the journey
This is an excellent book, and will echo many of the sentiments of the positive reviews. While this book is mainly written for those looking to forgive and heal, if you are seeking forgiveness this will give you great insight into what that person you hurt is likely going to need from you. However, while I think this book is excellent, and unlike anything I've read regarding the topic of forgiveness, I think to fully grasp the content of this book there is some necessary prerequisite reading and exploration that is needed; at least I felt that way. Something that is glossed over in the book is understanding the general needs of your partner and being able look at life and situation through different lenses. If you don't have these skills I feel it would be incredibly difficult to take advantage of the lessons of this book unless you were getting something similar out of therapy etc. I'd recommend in this order before reading this: - 7 Habit of Highly Effective People - Difficult Conversations - His Needs, Her Needs Lastly, and the author states this, the examples in book mainly use the male as the offender. If you are a man reading this keep your objectivity and try to learn the lessons out of the example and not how it's sexist. Also, many of the examples are extreme, whether it's abuse or severe cheating. This might make you question how this book applies to you, as your offenses might pale greatly in comparison, however by the end of the book you will understand the the process is the same for achieving true forgiveness.
Warning - Male Bashing Rhetoric.
First of all I will start with the Author's disclaimer on page 10, that says "For the sake clarity... I speak of the hurt party as "she" and the offender as "he." Gender does not determine guilt, of course, but identifying each of you in this way makes for a more readable book." This is the only thing that attempts to address the heavy gender bias this decision forced upon an otherwise excellent work on forgiveness. Though it is clear why this decision was made, the basic thrust of the book in it's resulting form is basically a male-bashing book. If you are male and were seriously injured by a psychopathic, narcissistic *female* sociopath, you will need to basically rewrite it into the opposite format and change many of the examples in order to get the gems hidden behind the male-bashing garbage that was basically there only for supposed "convenience" and "readability". Also, having this book in circulation in it's current format is basically in it's whole male-bashing propaganda. Yes, great I get it... there it is clearly stated on page 10 why it's the way it is... but you know what... those key words lose their holding power in light of story after story about what "he" did. Isn't it a form of abuse to sexually violate someone 500 times, and then say "well I told you I was sorry"? In the same way, to perpetuate 500 offenses of labeling men as perpetrators and females as their victims while saying "I'm sorry I did it this way, the publishers made me do it so it would read better" is no different. One little I'm sorry while continuing 500 offenses is not setting a very good example. What I think would be a wonderful idea if instead the Author had put out a book, in pink labeled "for her" and another one in the pretty blue cover labeled "for him"... and that it would have been written as women as perpetrators. True, most men wouldn't pickup a self-help book like this, and you wouldn't print as many perhaps, but by doing so it would have been easier to read if you were the male victim of a female perpetrator... as I was. The other option - which I am sure the publishers considered - was to go with the gender-neutral approach... however I am sure that underlying the reason not to do this was due in large part to who by in large buys the books... women.. not men. This is why I give this book 1 star, and I would have given it zero stars but it wasn't an option. I basically have to go through and strike through all the "he did to her's" and substitute the opposite to get the value of the book... and that was hard... really hard. Otherwise, I would give this book five stars if it wasn't so painful to translate into a non-male-bashing edition.
Real Problems, Practical Strategies, Clunky Semantics
I appreciate what Spring set out to accomplish with this book, but many of her arguments boil down to thin semantics. In her logic, the only way to not forgive and avoid "dysfunctional" behavior is through "acceptance." She explains that "acceptance" and "forgiveness" are different things. I don't believe they are. What I understand forgiveness to be is this: 1."Giving up" (getting back to the etymology of the word "forgive") the right to hate and escalating retribution (step 2 in Spring's "acceptance" process) and 2. Recognizing the humanity and fallibility of the other person (step 5 in Spring's "acceptance" process). As long as those two are covered, for me it's forgiveness. Spring can call it what she likes, but I disagree. You don't have to continue the relationship or absolve the guilt of the other person to forgive this way (which she points out, but for some unknown reason thinks this doesn't count as forgiveness). What she calls "genuine forgiveness" I would call rapprochement, or restoration of harmony. Contrary to Spring's concept, I believe that forgiveness does not need to be interrelational. The establishment of harmony, however, does. One may not choose to reconcile to the violator in the establishment of harmony, but you have allowed him to "make amends" and come to amiable terms with you (you can at least wish well for him). You may never trust him again, but you have released him of his debt. For me, the true gem of this book lies not in the chapters about healthy responses to offense, but in the chapters about the dysfunctional. Cheap forgiveness is a danger I never previously considered, and Spring offers compelling examples as well as powerful strategies to avoid such self-belittling impulses. I recommend the book, if only for this section. Also, don't listen to the reviewers complaining about the so-called "sexist" pronoun shorthand for victim and offender ("she" and "he," respectively). It makes the book very readable.
SO HELPFUL- INSIGHTFUL- ON TARGET. I didn't think a book could help the amount of pain I have been feeling, but this one did.
OUTSTANDING. I have been stuck trying to forgive my husband and as I read this book. This book warns against "cheap forgiveness" (sweeping the problem under the rug) and gets into the heart of how different types of people handle pain and anger, where it comes from and what to do about it. In this book I not only understood myself better but also my husband, my mother, children and others and how they handle their feelings. I have read numerous books and have even done some counseling in my earlier years and rarely get excited about a book. However, this is definitely one of the most helpful and on target books I have seen. It is well-written in that it is simple, straightforward and very easy to read. Many people in 12-step programs would benefit, and even more if they are not. You will likely find and understand yourself in this book as well as those you love, including the person/people who hurt you. This book will help you heal yourself and your current (and future) relationships, including with the person who hurt you, whether you decide to work things out with them or move on and let them go, I am buying additional copies of this one for my children. I was so confused and stuck and so glad I picked this up. I thank the authors for helping me find some peace during one of the most difficult and painful times in my life.
Puts a different spin on forgiveness
I have been a state court trial judge for almost 17 years, trying all types of felony cases, rape, capital murder,kidnapping, assault, arson you name it. In that time I have seem victims and victim's families trying to cope with horrible things that have been done to them. Often, the worst thing done to them is our Christian guilt trip that they are obliged to forgive the criminal that committed some terrible crime against them. 90% of the time, the criminal refuses to apologize, say he is sorry, or ask for forgiveness. I have seen families destroyed because they think they have to forgive some monster for killing their child. So a few years ago I discovered "How Can I Forgive You?" book and it made a lot of since. Some people do not want, ask, or deserve to be forgiven. I, as the judge, am not in the forgiveness business that is for God. So, I purchased some of these books and when my heart tells me (as it did today)that somebody is really is in pain over this, I give them this book. I hope it helps. A murder victim's son told me she had been trying to forgive the killer for 3 years but after reading this book she was at peace. I don't see a lot of peace in my profession but maybe in a small way this book has brought some people a little of it.
Not what I first expected, but some good ideas.
I am a big fan of Janis Abrams Spring's book on Recovering from Affairs, so I was thinking this book would be somewhat of a follow up, focusing on the forgiveness aspect of such affairs, so I was a bit disappointed to realize that the scope was much wider. I think there is a lot of valuable information in the book on types of forgiveness and relatable examples, but I would have prefered a more narrow scope. I think it's hard to cover everything from a small offense in a casual relationship to a traumatic offense in a close or long-term relationship in one book. I also didn't like her referring to the perpetrator as the male and victim as the female. While it might have been challenging to keep both people on either side of the coin gender neutral, I think it would be important to do so. That being said, I think she makes some excellent points about different responses people can have and/or work towards when facing forgiveness, which breaks away from past more rigid ideas, which is something everyone could benefit from.
Do not let the title fool you.
On a really personal note, I was really trying to apply the "tool" of forgiveness to somethings that happened to me that were just unforgiveable acts. This book helped me to understand the ingredients of forgiveness and provided other options when all of those ingredients are not available. Do not let the title fool you. This is an amazing book laid out really simple concepts. The situations and concepts that did not apply to my situation, I was able to acknowledge and move on. It provided talking points with my therapist & I was able to move on from a lot of things that were road blocks to my healing. Hope this review is helpful.
Good source for church study groups
As a Christian, this book has helped me expand and clarify what it means to truly forgive and be forgiven. It is a very practical "how-to" guide to the process of forgiveness. Although it is written from a psychological - not religious - perspective, I would strongly recommend it to any religious group that wants to do a thorough study of the topic. [I've used this book with two different study groups in my church.] Although the title implies that we have the freedom not to forgive, the book really does not contradict Biblical teaching. The author differentiates between "acceptance" and "genuine forgiveness". The author defines "genuine forgiveness" as reconciliation when both the victim and offender are working to restore a relationship. She says that we have the freedom not to forgive when reconciling is either not possible or likely to subject the victim to further harm. Her definition of "acceptance" allows healing without reconciling with the other person. Her definition of acceptance is fully compatible with the Christian concept of forgiveness. As companion study books, I would recommend Amish Grace by Kraybill, Nolt, & Weaver-Zercher, and Faith Questions – How Can I Forgive by Joretta Marshall.
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